The Darkest Places Only a Few See
Living with bipolar disorder is more than the ups and downs we show on the exterior. Many of us save our darkest moments when no one is around. Unless you have bipolar disorder yourself, you have no idea how many shades of darkness there are. On the outside, we may give it our best and appear "normal" to others. There is madness and darkness raging inside of us. We battle it every day.
From my first cup of coffee to the last trip I make to the bathroom at night, every second of every minute is a battle. Regardless if it's an up or a down, inside I'm struggling to maintain balance. At times, it feels completely hopeless and other times it is tolerable, but no matter what that war rages on inside my head. Sometimes it feels almost too much to bear and then I remember what I am fighting for.
If you want to know what it feels like to have bipolar disorder, think of how you felt today. Were you sad? Angry? Happy? If something excited you, did you have to ask yourself a million questions to make sure it was a REAL emotion? Probably not. Did you have to beg your brain NOT to crash? Did you scream and cry that you wanted to maintain the current level of energy and hopefulness? Unless you suffer from bipolar disorder, you just feel. When you suffer from bipolar disorder every feeling is suspect to further investigation.
If you saw me at the store or at school you wouldn't have a clue. To the outside world, I appear strong, determined, and happy. The war that is inside me is one only I can fight. I have some people in my life that know of this darkness, but even knowing is not enough to understand. Understanding only comes from those who can relate. It's hard to find those people in everyday life, especially ones that are as forthcoming about their illness as I am.
That's why this blog exists. If I can make anyone feel that there is someone that relates to them and understands them, then my blog has been a success. With as much darkness as we have to see, it's comforting to know we aren't the only ones fighting it.
From my first cup of coffee to the last trip I make to the bathroom at night, every second of every minute is a battle. Regardless if it's an up or a down, inside I'm struggling to maintain balance. At times, it feels completely hopeless and other times it is tolerable, but no matter what that war rages on inside my head. Sometimes it feels almost too much to bear and then I remember what I am fighting for.
If you want to know what it feels like to have bipolar disorder, think of how you felt today. Were you sad? Angry? Happy? If something excited you, did you have to ask yourself a million questions to make sure it was a REAL emotion? Probably not. Did you have to beg your brain NOT to crash? Did you scream and cry that you wanted to maintain the current level of energy and hopefulness? Unless you suffer from bipolar disorder, you just feel. When you suffer from bipolar disorder every feeling is suspect to further investigation.
If you saw me at the store or at school you wouldn't have a clue. To the outside world, I appear strong, determined, and happy. The war that is inside me is one only I can fight. I have some people in my life that know of this darkness, but even knowing is not enough to understand. Understanding only comes from those who can relate. It's hard to find those people in everyday life, especially ones that are as forthcoming about their illness as I am.
That's why this blog exists. If I can make anyone feel that there is someone that relates to them and understands them, then my blog has been a success. With as much darkness as we have to see, it's comforting to know we aren't the only ones fighting it.
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