Innocence Lost
READER DISCRETION: THIS BLOG POST CONTAINS INFORMATION THAT SOME MAY FIND OFFENSIVE OR INAPPROPRIATE.
The warning is there. This is a story of molestation and may be hard for some to swallow. While not insanely graphic, the actions of the person in this story may sicken some.
When I was younger, I spent a lot of time with my aunt and uncle. They lived above a church in a not-so-great neighborhood. Regardless, I always had a lot of fun there playing with my four cousins. My oldest cousin and I were inseparable. He was like my big brother and best friend all rolled into one.
Although I can't remember what time of the year it was, when I was about 9 years old I was staying with my cousin. His favorite cousin on the other side of the family had come to visit. He was quite a bit older than us and my cousin worshiped the ground he walked on. He didn't get to visit often so his visits were always quite memorable. This visit was definitely memorable for me.
Finding a place to sleep wasn't always the easiest at my aunt and uncle's house. With at least 6 kids in the house most of the time, they tried their best to keep the girls and boys separated. This particular night, I was sleeping on the floor next to a pull-out sofa that my cousin and his cousin were sleeping on. His cousin, for the sake of anonymity I will call him George, was the one sleeping next to me.
In the middle of the night, I was awoken and couldn't figure out why. It was then I realized George's hand was on my leg, and slowly moving upward. I was young and I didn't know what to do and I just laid there. Completely frozen I lay there as George's hand made its way up my leg and down my pants. At this point, I was scared but I didn't want to move. I didn't know what would happen if I moved.
This continued for a short time as I pretended to be asleep. I guess at some point, George got all that he wanted and rolled over and went to sleep. Relieved that it was over, I cried and fell asleep myself. When the morning came, I was afraid to tell anyone but decided that my cousin would defend me no matter what. When I told him about it, he told me that George would never do such a thing and that I must have been dreaming. I didn't try to tell anyone else.
I kept it bottled up inside for years, only telling people that were extremely close to me, but for the most part, I kept it to myself. It wasn't until I was in treatment for my bipolar disorder that the memories came rushing back in. The thought of that night jarred me and I wasn't able to keep it bottled up much longer. With the ways technology has advanced, I went searching for George to finally confront him after all these years.
I found George on Facebook. He was on my aunt's friends list. I messaged him. I wanted him to be aware of just how much anguish he had caused me over the years but when I got the reply I was shocked. He said he was sorry such a terrible thing happened to me but that if he did it, it must have been in his sleep and he didn't know. He apologized repeatedly. I simply accepted his apology and walked away.
Why would I accept his apology? Because outing him wasn't about "bringing him to justice" or anything like it. I simply wanted to have closure, which I got. I was able to tell him just how horribly he hurt me and whether it was accidental or not (I'm still not sure I believe that) how much impact it had on my entire life. I talked to my therapist at the time and she agreed that I acted rationally in the situation and agreed maybe I could move past it now, which I have.
Was it terrible what happened to me? Absolutely, and if any other girl was to experience it I would tell them to tell an adult immediately. Don't just let it go. Holding something like that so deep inside for so long can be very damaging. I learned the hard way.
The warning is there. This is a story of molestation and may be hard for some to swallow. While not insanely graphic, the actions of the person in this story may sicken some.
When I was younger, I spent a lot of time with my aunt and uncle. They lived above a church in a not-so-great neighborhood. Regardless, I always had a lot of fun there playing with my four cousins. My oldest cousin and I were inseparable. He was like my big brother and best friend all rolled into one.
Although I can't remember what time of the year it was, when I was about 9 years old I was staying with my cousin. His favorite cousin on the other side of the family had come to visit. He was quite a bit older than us and my cousin worshiped the ground he walked on. He didn't get to visit often so his visits were always quite memorable. This visit was definitely memorable for me.
Finding a place to sleep wasn't always the easiest at my aunt and uncle's house. With at least 6 kids in the house most of the time, they tried their best to keep the girls and boys separated. This particular night, I was sleeping on the floor next to a pull-out sofa that my cousin and his cousin were sleeping on. His cousin, for the sake of anonymity I will call him George, was the one sleeping next to me.
In the middle of the night, I was awoken and couldn't figure out why. It was then I realized George's hand was on my leg, and slowly moving upward. I was young and I didn't know what to do and I just laid there. Completely frozen I lay there as George's hand made its way up my leg and down my pants. At this point, I was scared but I didn't want to move. I didn't know what would happen if I moved.
This continued for a short time as I pretended to be asleep. I guess at some point, George got all that he wanted and rolled over and went to sleep. Relieved that it was over, I cried and fell asleep myself. When the morning came, I was afraid to tell anyone but decided that my cousin would defend me no matter what. When I told him about it, he told me that George would never do such a thing and that I must have been dreaming. I didn't try to tell anyone else.
I kept it bottled up inside for years, only telling people that were extremely close to me, but for the most part, I kept it to myself. It wasn't until I was in treatment for my bipolar disorder that the memories came rushing back in. The thought of that night jarred me and I wasn't able to keep it bottled up much longer. With the ways technology has advanced, I went searching for George to finally confront him after all these years.
I found George on Facebook. He was on my aunt's friends list. I messaged him. I wanted him to be aware of just how much anguish he had caused me over the years but when I got the reply I was shocked. He said he was sorry such a terrible thing happened to me but that if he did it, it must have been in his sleep and he didn't know. He apologized repeatedly. I simply accepted his apology and walked away.
Why would I accept his apology? Because outing him wasn't about "bringing him to justice" or anything like it. I simply wanted to have closure, which I got. I was able to tell him just how horribly he hurt me and whether it was accidental or not (I'm still not sure I believe that) how much impact it had on my entire life. I talked to my therapist at the time and she agreed that I acted rationally in the situation and agreed maybe I could move past it now, which I have.
Was it terrible what happened to me? Absolutely, and if any other girl was to experience it I would tell them to tell an adult immediately. Don't just let it go. Holding something like that so deep inside for so long can be very damaging. I learned the hard way.
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