No Goodbye

I was sitting right here in this exact spot. I was doing my own thing as I usually do in the mornings whether it be blogging or something else when my mother-in-law shouted out in pain next to me. She was having shooting pain in her throat and while I made sure she was okay, it seemed to pass. As she stood up to walk around, she started to complain of other pains, shooting pain in her back, and pains in her chest. This alerted me quickly as she had heart issues. I asked her to let me call 911. She declined.

She paced the floor, wanting the "freaky" feeling to subside, but it would not when I finally asked her to take a Nitroglycerin. Hers being expired I ran to find mine. I hide them from myself so it took me a minute. She popped one under her tongue. She sat and appeared to have no effect from the nitro at all. All of a sudden, she said she was dizzy and that she was going to throw up. I quickly ran to the other end of the room to grab her a bowl and back. After throwing up, she looked at me and with no hesitation said, "I'm going to die."

She started to collapse and I was barely able to catch her by her arm to keep her from falling onto the floor. I just kept yelling "Stay with me Sherry", "Don't you leave me Sherry" until my boyfriend came running into the room and started calling 911. The dispatcher had us lay her on the floor and start chest compressions and CPR but I could tell it was too late. Watching my grandma and grandpa die on hospice I knew that gargle far too well. Nonetheless, we continued compressions until the paramedics arrived.

When the paramedics arrived we were ushered into the other room. We started to try to make phone calls as we were the only ones here. It didn't take long for the paramedics to come into the room and motion us to hang up the phones. Her flat line was too heavily saturated and there was nothing they could do. She was gone.

Just like that, a woman that had treated me as if I was her own child for as many years I can remember was gone. A woman who was as much of a friend as she was my mother-in-law. A woman my children saw as a grandmother. My boyfriend's mother. A wife, a sister, a grandmother, and an aunt. In the blink of an eye, she was just taken. There was no warning. There was no goodbye.

I was left picking up the pieces. I was left in the matriarchal role that I couldn't possibly fill the way she did, but there I was, the woman of the house. I have tried to do her proud. I know I'm not haven't done my absolute best, but I tried.

Time slowly took away some pain, she was one in a long list of losses. Before her, I would lose my grandma and grandpa. We would lose her son. After her, I would lose my mom and his father. Another facet to my personality formed from many incredible losses in a very short period of time. This is a poem I wrote for her when she passed.

They say heaven gained an angel,

But it’s hard for me to see.

Because the day you left,

An angel was taken away from me.

I know it sounds so selfish,

But it is so awfully true.

You’ve left a hole in my life,

And I’m awfully blue.

You were my family and my best friend,

This much is very true.

You were a big part of me,

So much more than you knew.

You guided me and helped me,

Through my darkest times.

Everyone came before you,

Even if it was a sacrifice.

Sweet angel how I miss you,

As I know others do.

Heaven may have gained you,

But I’m not sure what I’ll do.